No Pain, All Gain
BISH logo courtesy of Justin Hancock/BISH
Justin Hancock social media: Instagram - Bluesky - TikTok
Imagine a kingdom that offers its citizens contraception, STI testing and treatment (including HIV), abortion services and many pregnancy services all for free, to help reduce the stigma, shame and unwanted consequences of sex.
This is the United Kingdom, which isn’t even the most progressive European country when it comes to sexy time education and resources! But it is home to Justin Hancock, the creator of BISH, one of the most comprehensive sex ed websites – used daily by thousands of young people and adults. BISH has seemingly infinite articles encompassing Justin’s nearly three decades working in relationship and sexuality education with thousands of youth, in schools, youth clubs, universities and sex health clinics.
Now, this episode is called No Pain, All Gain because when I asked Justin for the two biggest myths he busts in his work, his answers floored and humbled me. The first had never come up before and I’d never even thought about it, despite not experiencing it myself. And that is: barring medical issues, or kink, the first time you have penetrative vaginal sex, as any time, should not hurt – if you’re doing it right.
But this pain narrative normalizes suffering as a part of sex, so if you or your partner are visibly hurting, you’re supposed to just keep calm and carry on. It also ignores consent, a subject that Justin teaches with great insight and nuance, weaving in 17th-century philosophy to boot!
His advice is obvious and easy-to-understand at any age because it’s based on what we already do in other spheres of our lives. He sometimes also uses movies and TV shows as guides. As a former film critic, it warms the cockles of my heart that Justin tears apart Love, Actually on BISH, for so many reasons.
Justin also discusses how the contradictory messaging for youth and adults about pregnancy actually increases the risk of it, not just in the ways we typically think. In a sea of online sexual misinformation, sometimes in the name of sexual health, Justin is a great resource.
As are the thoughtful, nuanced, practical books he co-authored, on consent and healthy sex for teens and adults, respectively: Can We Talk About Consent? and Enjoy Sex (How, When and IF You Want To).
And for more adult advice, listen in to his podcast Culture Sex Relationships.
Links to Justin’s work and references not included above can be found in the episode transcript.
To keep enjoying this fully independent – no-string budget – podcast for free, please consider supporting it at the level of your choice, at patreon.com/Women Like Sex. Thank you!
Women Like Sex is a Flipped Script production
Executive Producer / Editor: Natasha Senjanovic
Website Design and Artwork: Ted Nunes
Associate Producer: Edecio Martinez
Music: Funky Fortune by Danny Shields